Exploring the Meaning of Self

Have you ever heard yourself say:

Part of me wants to go, but another part of me wants to stay.

Or perhaps:

Part of me is really angry.

Part of me is afraid.

Part of me knows everything will be okay, but another part doesn’t believe that at all.

We use this kind of language quite naturally. We seem to know that we can have different thoughts and feelings at the same time.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we call these different aspects of ourselves parts.

Parts are usually fairly easy to understand. You might recognize a part that worries, a part that gets angry, a part that tries to keep everyone happy, or a part that doubts itself and wonders, What if I get it wrong?

But there is another question I often hear from clients:

If I have all these different parts, then WHO AM I? A question I asked quite often.

This brings us to the idea of Self.

What Do We Mean by Self?

Self can be difficult to put into words because it isn’t another part of us.

IFS uses the word Self. Other psychological and spiritual traditions have explored similar ideas using words such as True Self, True Nature, awareness, inner wisdom or simply Being.

You don’t have to follow a spiritual path or hold a particular belief to explore this.

For now, it may be easier to think of Self as the awareness that can notice your different parts without becoming completely caught up in them.

For example, there is a difference between:

“I am angry.”

and:

“I notice there is a part of me that feels really angry.”

The anger hasn’t disappeared. We haven’t pushed it away or decided it is wrong.

But now there is a little space around it.

And within that space, something can change.

Self Is Not Something You Have to Achieve

This is important.

When people first learn about Self, it is very easy to turn it into another goal.

Am I in Self?

Am I calm enough?

Why don’t I feel anything?

Am I doing this wrong?

If that happens, we can simply notice that there may be a concerned or doubtful part present. It isn’t doing anything wrong either.

You don’t have to produce a particular experience to find Self.

Some people receive information through vivid images or symbols. Someone else may notice colours. Another person may experience sensations in the body, a change in breathing, or a sense of warmth.

Sometimes there are no images or words at all.

A client might simply say:

“Something softened.”

or:

“I feel a little calmer.”

And sometimes very little seems to happen.

There is no correct experience.

Your way of connecting with your inner world is unique to you.

An Ice Cube in Water

One image I find helpful is an ice cube floating in water.

The ice and the water are made of the same thing, but the water can flow while the ice has become temporarily frozen and heavy.

I sometimes think about unresolved experiences in a similar way.

When something happens that is too much for us at the time, we may be left carrying thoughts, feelings, sensations, images or impulses that we weren’t able to fully process or express.

They can feel stuck, frozen or heavy. We may even notice this physically. Muscles contract and hold tension, sometimes long after the experience has passed. The body may continue to hold what it wasn’t able to fully express or complete at the time.

We often try very hard to make these feelings go away. We reason with ourselves. We push through. We distract ourselves. We tell ourselves we should be over it by now.

But imagine trying to make an ice cube melt by telling it that it shouldn’t be frozen.

It doesn’t need criticism.

It needs the right conditions.

As the environment around the ice becomes warm enough, the ice begins to soften. Eventually, it returns to water and can move with the flow again.

Healing can sometimes feel like this.

When there is enough safety, space and support, something that has been held tightly inside us may begin to soften. The body may let go a little too. A breath may deepen, muscles may relax, or we may simply notice that we don’t feel quite as heavy.

We don’t always have to know how that will happen.

The Creativity of Healing

This is one of the things that continues to amaze me in my work.

When a person has enough space to observe what is happening inside rather than trying to force it to change, the healing process can become remarkably creative.

Someone may suddenly see an image.

They may remember something.

Their body may want to make a movement that wasn’t possible at another time.

A younger part may need something completely unexpected.

There may be tears, laughter, a deep breath or simply quiet.

What emerges is often something I could never have imagined for them.

This is why I don’t see my role as directing someone’s inner process toward an outcome I have already decided upon.

I can offer support and guidance, but there are times when the most helpful thing I can do is trust the person’s own inner wisdom and stay present with what is unfolding.

You Are More Than What You Carry

One of the ideas I value deeply within IFS is that our difficult experiences are not the whole of who we are.

You may have an anxious part, but you are more than your anxiety.

You may have a critical part, but you are more than that critical voice.

You may carry grief, fear, anger or shame, but none of these alone defines you.

Our parts have often developed very good reasons for doing what they do. Even behaviours we don’t like may have begun as attempts to protect us.

Self doesn’t need to get rid of these parts.

Instead, we begin to develop a different relationship with them.

We listen.

We become interested.

And sometimes, when a part no longer has to work quite so hard to protect us, it begins to soften.

A Small Experiment

If you would like to explore this for yourself, think of something that has been bothering you recently.

Nothing overwhelming. Just something small.

Perhaps you notice irritation, worry or disappointment.

Instead of trying to change the feeling, see if you can say:

“A part of me is feeling…”

Then pause.

Notice what happens.

You don’t need an image.

You don’t need an answer.

You don’t even need to feel calm.

Simply notice that there is the feeling and there is something in you that is aware of the feeling.

If another voice immediately says, I don’t understand this or I’m probably doing it wrong, that’s okay.

That’s another part you have just noticed.

Perhaps Self Is Something We Recognize

Self is a big subject, and different therapeutic and spiritual traditions understand it in different ways.

I don’t think we need to settle all of those questions before we can experience something useful.

Perhaps we begin much more simply.

There are our thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories and the many parts of ourselves that have learned how to move us through life.

And there is also our capacity to notice.

To listen.

To become interested in what is happening within us without immediately needing to change it.

As that space becomes more familiar, we may discover something that was difficult to recognize when everything inside felt crowded.

Not a new or better version of ourselves.

Something that was already there.

Perhaps the question is not only “What is Self?” but “Who Am I beneath all these parts?”